Hello, and welcome to this EPM fast book summary, where today we’re looking at how to win friends and influence people. First published in 1936. This book is sold over 45 million copies worldwide. You probably already know it’s an absolute classic book, but what is it about? Well, it’s a practical guide to improving how we interact with others.
In a nutshell, when dealing with people, we’re not dealing with creatures of logic, but rather with creatures of emotion, thus, we improve our human interactions. When we make a mindset shift to put the interests and the emotions of others. First, in fact, to quote Del Carnegie himself, to make friends influence others and get them in our corner.
It is important to know how to look after their. This happens after an important change in our everyday behavior, which consists of never criticizing, being genuinely interested in others, smiling, remembering the first name of the person we’re speaking with, making them feel important, never telling them they are wrong.
Talking about her own mistakes before talking about theirs, motivating, sincerely complimenting, and generally always looking after their self esteem. So with that, let’s jump right into this lesson. So the topics we’re going to cover today are broadly split into four parts, corresponding pretty much exactly with the book.
So part one is about fundamental techniques in humbling people. And there are three principles covered in that section part two, six ways to make people like you. Part three, how to win people over to your way of thinking and finally, part four, how to be a leader. So in total there are 30 principles covered in the book.
Now that’s a lot of principles, but we’re gonna cover every single one of them today. So let’s jump right in. So part, one fundamental techniques in handling people. Number one, Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Now criticism is counterproductive because it puts the other person on the defensive. Um, when you criticize him CR when you criticize someone, it may make someone resent us EG.
They may say to themselves, you know, who does he think he is? Or conversely, it might make them try to justify themselves whereby they say something along the lines of, I did everything that I could. So therefore it wasn’t my fault. Now, how did you feel the last time you were criticized by someone and, and be honest, when you answer that, you know, it’s probably likely you didn’t feel like correcting your ha behavior.
It’s much more likely you just went immediately on the defensive. So instead of criticizing someone, you know, just bite your tongue and use the other strategies that are presented in this book. So number two, give honest and sincere appreciation. So assuming our basic needs are met, then one of our deepest desires is to feel important.
And one way to make people feel appreciated is simply to show them your appreciation. You know, everyone loves a compliment. Everybody loves a pat on the back. So positive reinforcement. Is the use of showing repeated appreciation. People feel important and want to do a better job. Next time when we use this positive reinforcement, whereas criticism makes us not care about the next time.
You know, if someone criticizes are you really want to, are you really going to want to do a better job for the next time? Probably not. And in terms of using this in the workplace, you know, we could just, if somebody does a good presentation, they might not just simply say you. That was a great presentation.
Um, but it needs to be sincere. And that’s another point worth highlighting that there is a difference between appreciation and flattery. So basically appreciation is sincere. Whereas flattery is, you know, simply insincere, number three, arousing, the other person an eager want now to persuade a person. We first need to see things from their perspective.
And this is key, really key to having influence. Then we can identify reasons why they would want to do something, showing them it’s in their best interest to take this course of action. Um, by basically highlighting, you know, what’s in it for them. What we’re doing is we’re essentially making an appeal to, to a desire that they already have.
So maybe they Desi, they have great ambition, or maybe they want money or better health or use youthful looks, whatever it is, we’re appealing to something they already want. So, as an example, suppose I’m interviewing you for a job and you want the job, you know, you could tell me that you have. Great qualifications.
And that you’ve worked for great companies before, and that you’re super motivated, but will I hire you? No, probably not. You know, based on this principle, because you haven’t really shown me what’s in it for me, but now suppose you take a different approach. You tell me that at your previous company, you faced exactly the same problems as I face right now.
And you tell me that you solved those problems and made the company lots of money. You also tell me that you’re chatting with my competitor about a potential role at their company. Now, do I want to hire you? Yes, I do wanna hire you and that’s because you’ve shown me what’s in it for you. You know, I wanna make all the money and I wanna stop my competitor from making it.
So onto part two, six ways to make people like you. Number one, become gen genuinely interested in other people. We’ll have more friends by being interested in others than by telling people how great and amazing we are. I mean, that’s just. Sense, but human humans can actually learn a lot from dogs in this respect.
So if you think about, you know, a pet dog, they don’t do too much, but the one thing they do is they really follow you around and they really love you. And they show you this love and this appreciation all of the time and in return for that, you know, no dog really has to work a day in their lives. It’s enough.
To get this appreciation. And that’s because being appreciated and, and feeling loved is a huge human desire. So turning this, you know, to practical use, you can implement this step by simply just being enthusiastic about others. So for example, you know, if you meet someone, then just greet them warmly, tell them it’s great to see them.
Um, if someone tells you that they’ve just come back from a vacation somewhere, Then ask them about it. If, you know, show some genuine interest, number two, smile. Now actions speak louder than words. And a smile simply says, I like you. You make me happy. And I’m glad to see you. Now. We often spend a lot of time thinking about what we’re going to wear to the work or to work or to a social event.
But the truth is that people are far more emotionally attuned to the expression we wear on our. And the clothes we wear in our bodies. So, you know, why not make a conscious effort to smile a bit more.
Number three, remember a person’s name is to that person, the most important sound in any language, when you forget someone’s name, what message do you think it sends to them? It definitely doesn’t tell them they’re important. Right? So when you remember someone’s name, it’s like paying them a mini mini compliment.
It’s an incredibly simple way to make someone feel important, use their name when you greet them and, you know, continue to use it in a, in a, you know, throughout the conversation. Number four, be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves. Now people care most about themselves. You know, what they’re most interested in is the aspirations that they have.
Their health, the problems they’re facing and those things they’re most interested in, funnily enough, are the things that they most enjoy talking about. So to get someone to like you, you just need to be a good listener, you know, be attentive and ask questions where it’s appropriate.
Number five talk in terms of the other person’s. So look for the common ground and talk in terms of the other person’s interests. You know, once you’ve done this, then later you can direct the conversation towards getting what you want. So, as an example, let’s suppose, you know, you’re meeting with someone with whom you’re at the opposite end of the political spectrum.
Should you begin by talking PO politics? Probably not as it’s just gonna quickly escalate and. Ver, you know, highlight your differences quickly, but maybe you both share a love of good food. So you could start by talking about that. It’s going to build rapport, and it’s gonna put them in a better frame of mind for when you eventually get around to asking them what you came to ask them.
Number six, make the other person feel important and importantly do it sincerely. Now we all want to feel appreciated. To feel like we’re doing a good job to feel like people are happy with us. And they like us. William James said the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. So to use this principle, you know, find something you genuine, genuinely admire about the other person and simply pay them a genuine compliment.
So, as an example, let’s suppose a colleague has given a presentation. And you were impressed by it. You know, in this case you could tell them it was a great presentation and you could tell them you were genuinely impressed. You could also ask them how they managed to carve out the time to create it, given all their other commitments.
And in doing this, you’re doing a number of things. You know, you are paying them a compliment. You are by inference, acknowledging them as an authority on present. And you’re giving them a reason to tell you about all the challenges they faced in creating the presentation, et cetera. Um, and when you take this kind of approach where you make the other person feel important, it’s very hard for them not to like you.
So onto part three, how to win people to your way of thinking. Now, so far, we’ve looked at how to get people to like you. Now, we’re gonna start thinking about how to win people over, to get what you want. So, number one, the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Now, arguments are lose, lose.
If you lose, you lose, but also if you win, you still lose. Um, in an argument, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Now, the reason that you lose, even if you win is you, is because you’ve created resentment. The other person will have lost face. And they’re probably gonna be looking to extract their revenge next time in some way, or at least maybe obstruct you in some way next time.
So number two, show respect for the other person’s opinions and never say you’re wrong. Now, if you tell someone they’re wrong, what’s gonna happen. Do you think they’ll just change their mind and agree with you? No, that’s not gonna happen. So, you know, to avoid this confrontation, try a different approach, maybe try something like, uh, yes.
I thought that too, and it’s probably the right way to go. But what do you think about this approach? How would you feel if we tried it this way?
Number three, if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatic. So the next time that you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically, you know, this will take the tension out of the air and the person you’re with will be much more likely to have a forgiving attitude towards you. Number four, begin in a friendly way.
If you have to tell someone off, you know, it can be really tempting just to tell them off, tell them what’s wrong and this can make you feel good, but it doesn’t make them feel good after. So instead, you know, begin by being friendly and highlight the positive positives first. So as an example, let’s imagine one of your subordinates was giving a presentation to your boss and they really let you down.
You’re angry. So it’s super tempting just to give them a piece of your mind there and then, but that isn’t constructive, you know, way to cool down. They’re gonna be much more receptive to feedback. If you start in a friendly way and tell them what you did like about the presentation, maybe you liked the content, but you just didn’t like the delivery or, you know, focus on the positives and then they’re gonna be much more receptive to the feedback you’re actually giving them
number five, get the other person saying yes. Yes. Immediate. To begin a conversation by talking about things you agree upon, um, and continue to do this throughout the conversation. And the reason for that was cuz a no can be hard to recover from, and that’s why you wanna start getting yeses straight away.
So as a really simple example, let’s say you wanna pay rise. You don’t just wanna ask your boss for a pay rise straight out, cuz it makes it really easy for them to say no. So instead. Think about what you can agree on. You know, maybe you can agree that you’ve hit all your targets in the last quarter. Uh, maybe you can agree that you’ve done something exceptional in the last quarter.
And, you know, by using this approach, you are leading him or her on the, on a journey of, of small, incremental yeses to ultimately get what you want. Number six, let the other person do a great deal of the talking. When someone comes to you with a complaint, don’t jump into an argument. Instead, help them to blow off steam by asking questions and probing further into the problem.
You know, keep doing this until, until they’re exhausted, you know, and once they’re empty, they’ll be much more receptive to whatever way forward you propose.
Number seven. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. Now, do you enjoy being told what to do? Probably not. So a better approach to win someone over is to lay out all the facts and present your conclusion and then ask for feedback. But the key thing here isn’t to just listen to the feedback.
You’ve gotta take this feedback and incorporate it into the proposal, and in doing so they will feel like it’s their idea too. And they’re gonna buy into it more and take more ownership of it. Now, before we go on to number eight, it’s worth saying that as you might have noticed by now a lot of the principles within the book overlap, but I hope you’re getting the general themes around how to interact with others.
So number eight, try honestly, to see things from the other person’s point of view. Now, if you don’t understand the perspective of another, try putting yourself in their shoes, you can do this by asking yourself, you know, how would I react to this? If I were in their shoes? And from that, you can say, you know, how will they then react?
If I say this, how will they react if I do this, how will they react? If I propose. And if you truly understand another person’s motives and desires, then it makes it much easier to get what you want and to make them happy in the process too. Number nine, be sympathetic with the other person’s wants and desires.
Now, as we’ve said before, people want to be understood. So show them that you understand their situation. And this is particularly useful in situations where you can’t meet their needs. So perhaps as subordinate wants a pay rise and you’re just not able to give it to them. So in this case, it’s going, going to really help.
If you can show them
that, you know, as a minimum, you actually understand and can relate to their situation. So some phrases you might use include things like, Hey, you know, I understand where you’re coming from. If I was you I’d feel the same. I really don’t blame you for feeling that way. I’m not sure if I wouldn’t be the motivated as well.
Number 10 appeal to their Noer motives. Now everyone has two reasons to do something at at least according to the book anyway. And one of those reasons sounds good. And the other one is the real reason. Now, if you appeal to the real reason, You’ll put people on the defensive, cuz it’s not such a pretty reason as the more noble good sounding reason.
So don’t appeal to that instead appeal to the one that sounds good. Now, as an example, when John D Rockefeller wanted newspaper photographers to stop taking pictures of his children, he appealed to an, to their nobler motives. He didn’t say, I don’t want these pictures taken. Instead. He said, you know how it.
You’ve got children, yourselves, some of you, and you know, it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity,
number 11, dramatize your ideas. If we wanna grab and hold someone’s attention, we have to use dramatization. Um, we can do this through storytelling. They do it on TV shows, radio shows, and obviously in newspapers, too. and you should do it to now, as an example, if you’ve been sent into a department to turn it around because it’s losing money, you could really bring home the idea of the department losing money, but maybe throwing money on the floor when you’re giving your inaugural speech to explain the situation to everyone, you know, that would really grab their attention.
Uh, number 12, throw down a challenge. If you want to get people to achieve, then throw down a challenge. And we do that because we want to stimulate people’s competitive spirit. So if you wanted to get your team to deliver something on time, you know, you could tell them that whoever completes the most tasks gets to take the team out for lunch or gets a day off or, or some kind of reward, or just.
You know, stood in front of the rest of the team and praised, and that that’s rewarding itself.
So part four, be a leader up to this point. We’ve learned how to get people to like us. We’ve learned how to win people over whilst making them feel good. But you know, sometimes you’ll have to tell people they’ve done something wrong or that something needs to change. So in this section, we’ll look at just how to do that.
In fact, you can think of this section as being all about how to give feedback. So, number one, begin with praise and honest appreciation. It’s always easier to accept criticism after we’ve had some praise. So with that in mind, if you need to criticize someone, then begin by highlighting some of the positives.
Number two, call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. So, you know, in step one, you’ve started some positive. Now it’s time to move on to the actual criticism itself, but don’t just blurt it out instead, maybe focus on an alternative course of action. So for example, if one of your team gave a really terrible presentation, you could say, I really appreciate that you put the presentation together, and I’m thinking that if you focused more on this aspect, rather than that aspect in the next one, it would go down even better.
Number three. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Now it’s easy to hear your faults. If the person telling you them is admitting that they’re far from perfect. So again, if we go back to our presentation example, we could tell our subordinate that we’ve made a mistake in not explaining the brief thoroughly enough to.
Maybe we could say that we should have run through the presentation with them before they presented it to everyone. And, you know, in doing that, it’s going to make it much easier for them to accept feedback. Number four, ask questions instead of giving answers. So, you know, this goes back to the fact that we’ve stated before that nobody likes being told what to do.
So to get what you want, you could try using questions rather than telling. So things like, do you think it would be better to do this, or do you think the following would work that kind of thing? Number five, let the other person save face. Now, if you have to deliver negative feedback, then you have always have a choice as to how you do it.
Um, and in making that choice, never choose to belittle someone because it just doesn’t. Anything, either in the short term or the long term. So a simple example here is if you have to tell someone off, you know, do it in private rather than in front of other people or the team, number six, praise, the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Now praise is a free tool that can increase performance when someone does something right. Praise them for it in front of others. That’s going to encourage. To raise their game. And the reason for that is because we all craved feel appreciated. Now praise can also work to lift under performing underperformers.
And basically you do that by praising every improvement that they make to bring them up to the performance of everyone else in the team.
Number seven, give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. You can do this. If you introduce someone to a group, always talk them up and that’s going to achieve two things. You know, obviously you’ll give them the reputation to live up dudes that they’re going to want to live up to, but also you’ll make them like you more.
Uh, remember everyone wants to feel appreciated and by telling them or telling everyone how great they are in front of them, they’re going to feel super appreciated. Number eight. Use encouragement make the fault seem easy to correct. Now don’t overwhelm people, such that they feel doomed to failure and they can’t rectify the problem, you know, make the problem seem easy to correct.
So if we go back to our presentation example again, we could say, okay, the basics are in place and that’s great, but the style was maybe a little bit off. Have you thought about doing these two things next time to rectify the situation? You know, that’s massively more constructive than simply telling someone they did a terrible presentation.
Number nine, make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Now, if you want someone to do something, then give them an incentive to do it. So for example, to get an employee to complete a task, you could tell them how you’re entrusting them with. Important task that contributes to the overall goals of the organization.
And, you know, in that way, they’re gonna feel empowered. They’re going to feel trusted and they’re going to actually want to do the task. So that’s it. We we’ve covered lots and lots of topics there. And in summary, you know, this is a fantastic book to read for anyone who has to deal with other people. So basically that means all of us.
This book is gonna help you improve your personal and business life by improving your interactions with other people. And because of that, that’s why we’re scoring this book 10 out of 10, even though, you know, as you love spotted, there’s lots of overlap between the various points. The book’s gonna help you, you know, be liked by others.
Be able to get what you want from others, and it’s gonna make it much easier for you to de deliver negative feedback to others. Needed.
So that’s it for this lesson. I look forward to speaking to you again soon.