“Life is hard? True, but let’s love it anyhow, though it breaks every bone in our bodies.”Edward Abbey
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“If life gives you lemons, make apple juice and make people wonder how the hell you did it.” Gurbaksh Chahal
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“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”Robin Williams
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“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” Joan Rivers
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“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” Phyllis Diller
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“Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.”Paul Dickson
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“Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.”Louis L’Amour
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“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner
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“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”Jack Benny
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“If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'” Phyllis Diller
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“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”Will Rogers
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“I’m more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.”Cathy Guisewite
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“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”Groucho Marx
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“Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.”Satchel Paige
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“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. T-Shirt”Darynda Jones
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“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”Mel Brooks
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“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”Oliver Herford
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“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”Albert Einstein
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“Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.”Hunter S. Thompson
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“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”Steve Martin
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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” William Arthur Ward
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“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”Will Rogers
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“I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”Woody Allen
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“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” Alfred Hitchcock
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“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”Zig Ziglar
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“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”Elbert Hubbard
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“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.'”Charles M. Schulz
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“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”Lily Tomlin
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“If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.”Edgar Allan Poe
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“All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”Woody Allen
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“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”Erma Bombeck
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“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” Henny Youngman
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“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”R. D. Laing
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“You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”Yogi Berra
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“An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.”Herbert Samuel, 1st Viscount Samuel
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“If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are.”Jim Steinman
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“Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.” Oscar Wilde
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“The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.”John Barrymore
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“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”Helen Hayes
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“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” Phyllis Diller
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“The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.” Phyllis Diller
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“Do not remove the kinks from your hair–remove them from your brain.”Marcus Garvey
“Temperament is the thermometer of character.”Honore de Balzac
“A lover always thinks of his mistress first and himself second; with a husband it runs the other way.”Honore de Balzac
